Citing longstanding legal precedent in Texas for fatally reprimanding the Different, crippled governor Greg Abbott released a statement Wednesday evening that the state would be going forward the following morning with the execution of a mentally handicapped turkey.
“After careful examination,” began the governor from behind a fun-sized podium, “my team – many of whom are fully ambulatory – has determined that the state of Texas has no legal obligation to intercede on behalf of any living creature, irregardless of mental capacity.”
“Disabled people can be evil, too.” – Greg Abbott
Continued the Houston oil tycoon, “This is not a legal issue but a moral one, and the Texas government was founded on the tenet of ‘separation of morality and State’.” The Galveston shipping magnate concluded, “Furthermore, if I were to stand up, I would be three times the size of a normal man, and all of your Hurricane Harvey donations went to fund my personal purchase of thousands of pairs of Air Jordans, none of which, of course, will ever touch the ground.”
THOU SHALT NOT SUFFER A TURKEY TO LIVE
Marcel Wayne Kupperman, the mentally disabled turkey slated for execution, was convicted in 2003 of the shooting death of the horse Edgar Fremont during a botched robbery of the grain silo. Kupperman escaped immediate detection but was eventually apprehended by the farmer’s wife on an unrelated drug charge.
While Kupperman was awaiting trial for possession of crack goat-caine, his cellmate Michael Rapaport – the llama, not the actor – informed prison authorities that, connected to the robbery and unsolved death, Kupperman had confided in him, “Gobble gobble gobble” – a damning allegation.
THE NEW JIM CROW
A jury of cottontail rabbits deliberated for only as long as it takes twelve rabbits to eat a trough of timothy hay before delivering a verdict of “guilty” after a trial based entirely on horse-say and cir-cow-stantial evidence. Throughout the course of sentencing, Kupperman’s court-appointed attorney Steve Maddox, a goose, repeatedly pleaded for leniency based on his client’s low IQ score of 8, arguing that a defendant who routinely almost drowns during rainstorms shouldn’t be held competent to stand trial, much less to face capital punishment. However, Maddox’s entreaties were ignored largely due to his relentless pecking at Judge-Farmer Richard Holstein’s eyes and fingernails.
In exchange for his testimony, barnyard informant Michael Rapaport was granted immunity for his involvement in the ritual slaying of the sheep Burt and Vicky Robeson in his capacity as He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows in the Thresher Church of the Final Sacrifice.
SNITCHES GET RICHES
Kupperman’s lawyer released a statement to the press Wednesday, relaying Kupperman’s wish that Mr. Fremont’s family may finally be able to find some closure, and that he doesn’t completely understand what’s happening to him, but he hopes he can gobble-gobble-gobble up some tapioca pudding after.
Marcel Wayne Kupperman is scheduled to die at 8:00 a.m. Thursday morning by lethal hen-jection.