Speaking from behind a reinforced wall of ballistic-grade sniper glass in the Press Briefing Room and wearing the same mech suit used by Teddy Roosevelt to vanquish the Wolf Armies, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders addressed the real news media today for a quick medley of this week’s greatest hits.
“This Russia tarnation just keeps getting slipperier and slipperier! Reminds me of the time I came up on a road-killed mule deer – looked at her belly and seen she was with child – and an idea bird landed in my head and started hollering, ‘Hell, it ain’t calving season! What’s this old girl doing in the family way?’. So, I take out my Bowie knife, and I split her stem to stern to get at her miracle baby’s Savior Meats, and – wouldn’t you know it? – a big ol’ mud snake come out instead!” Huck began, punctuating her sentiment by licking a dollop of sorghum off her thumb. “That mud snake had the face of my daddy.”
SNAKES FOR THE MEMORIES
“What else is in the funnypapers? Oh yeah. Guns! Guns! Guns!” Hocking a loogie into the Press Room spittoon, Huckabee Sanders continued, “That is our official stance on guns.”
“Korea was being a real stick in the mud, so I put some masking tape on the map where Korea was. Now there’s no Korea.”
“The National Anthem is a real nice song, and, if you don’t like it, you probably live in a neighborhood where there’s a lot of check cashing places.”
YOU DON’T NEED A WEATHERMAN TO KNOW WHICH WAY THE SHIT WIND BLOWS
Clearing her throat of molasses, the White House Press Secretary took a moment to reassure the nation that sightings of flesh-ripping grotesqueries that emerge from confusion to feast on the marrow of the innocent are entirely without merit. “So long as your house was built on American geometry, you don’t need to be chickenshit about them things with teeth-for-skin gettin’ in your business.”
STOP THE WORLD AND MELT WITH US
“Where was I?” Huck surveyed the press as she contemplatively tongued a single blade of wheat from one side of her mouth to the other. “That’s right. Rapid fire now. I got a hootenanny to get to. We told a whole mess of teenagers that penicillin gets you fucked up, so we don’t need to worry about healthcare no more.”
“Because abortion is murder, we’re just gonna train already-convicted child murderers to do abortions. That way, we don’t end up with a bunch of extra people in Hell. See that, Kathy Griffin, we solved abortion.”
WHEN THERE’S NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, TRUE PATRIOTS WILL WALK THE EARTH
“Ain’t no such thing as sexual harassment. Just look at the derivation of the word ‘harassment’. It’s like – Her mouth said ‘no’ but her-ass-meant ‘hell yeah!’ – Think about that one, sheeple.”
DOWN LOW? TOO SLOW!!!
“Jeff Sessions ain’t real. Simple as that.”
Running down the grocery list of national discourse, Sarah “Huckleberry” Sanders crossed off the last items. “I already talked about the Black Magic abominations that eat your nightmares, so that’s done. All that’s left is, as far as you know, we fixed the railroads, too.”
WE KEEP THE TRAINS RUNNING ON TIME
Huckabee Sanders signaled the conclusion of the press conference by removing her formal coonskin cap and replacing it with her leisure coonskin cap before opening the floor for questions.
I LONG FOR THE FURNACE OF HADES
Visibly winded, the gathered media scrambled to locate a single, logical starting point of inquiry. Amidst the susurrus of shuffling legal pads, Cigar Aficionado correspondent Lulu Velasquez approached the fortified dais, “I know I should be concerned about the issues, but I really just want to know more about these – what are they – space monsters?”
“Extradimensional.” Huckabee Sanders corrected, “And you’re right to fixate on that point, honey. The monsters are real, and I think one of them might could’a got in here. If we don’t scramble quick, it’ll fill our pretty little heads with terror-lies!”
Feeling around the podium for her strolling cane, Huck entreated the press, “Now, would one of y’all be a dear and guide a poor old debutante out of the room. I’m afraid I have done blinded myself with moonshine.”