In the first recorded instance of anybody giving a fuck about sculpture, nationwide violence erupted last month as a handful of statues were targeted for removal based on nothing more than the color of their subjects’ hearts. A process that otherwise might have provoked such inflammatory remarks as, “Didn’t there used to be a statue here?” was instead intensified catastrophically by white dudes doing the kind of reactionary shit that you get your statues taken away for.
STATUARY CELEBRATING A RICH AND COMPLEX CULTURAL HERITAGE
Bafflingly dignifying the elderly boy-king with a microphone, the American media pretended to be surprised when a wetly incandescent Donald Trump praised elements within the white nationalist community rather than condemning the cartoonish villains he tricked into electing him.
“Nobody could have seen this coming. Why wouldn’t a sitting president simply reject the support of a small but fanatically militant, extremist organization after running a campaign that actively discredited the sanctity of truth?” lamented sensual song parodist Ambrose Neckerchief. “It’s almost as if he were politically beholden to an impoverished, disenfranchised, fringe population that has, on an institutional basis, had no access to basic education apart from Clay’s dad’s copy of The Turner Diaries and has a longstanding, cultural history of persecution by Fear Demons. Who would exploit that?”
“There’s a Jewish wind a’blowin in the holler tonight, boys.”
Cameras kept rolling long after the conclusion of Trump’s speech as the country collectively held its breath in anticipation of a cathartic, exaggerated wink from the POTUS. However, the jellyfish president, as is his sexual policy, left everyone but himself unsatisfied and damp with the excretions of a revenge-fuck gone horribly awry.
The inevitable, exhausting outrage from major news outlets quickly inspired the same sweeping policy change that has always fueled public perception of the media’s credibility.
“We offered [Trump] the option of a pinky swear to make sure he’s not really into Nazis and stuff,” chirped investigative titan Katie Couric, “but he said his pinkies were too huge and powerful for regular negotiations and that he wouldn’t want to accidentally seduce me with them.”
Couric: “We’ve given him literally every opportunity.”
Consummate businessman that he is, Trump made the counter-offer of a spit shake disavowing “all bad hombres”, but this arbitration tactic was ruled inadmissible by journalists, as it is impossible to distinguish between the forty-fifth president’s saliva and the supple flesh heaving beneath it.
News organizations ultimately “got the scoop” on Trump’s potentially damning ties to white supremacist organizations by simply dropping the issue and moving on to the next thing.
MOSQUITO SEASON IS ON THE WAY!
“Turns out it’s a lot easier to just not challenge the traditional, American assumption that we beat the Nazis for good when we dropped the neutron bomb on Auschwitz and ended the Kaiser’s reign of terror,” CNN White House correspondent Jim Acosta groaned as his Estonian concubine Hemlock refilled his hookah. “Praise the fucking Eclipse we have a hurricane to talk about now. I was afraid for a second we’d have to address a legitimately insidious scourge that’s actually corroding our nation in real time.”
As for Trump, he has remained steadfast in his inaction, maintaining that, “There are some good eggs in [the American Nazi Party], and, when I get to prison, I’m going to need a strong Denver omelet to protect me from all the mean huevos rancheros.”