C-SPAN lamented the loss of another one-hour, unscripted drama this week as network execs pulled flagship reality program The White Houseguys of D.C. mid-season due to dwindling viewership and outright, public disdain for literally the entire cast. According to critics, the show had initial potential. Helmed by established reality star Donald Trump, most believed Houseguys could be the next Imprison ZZ Top, but, despite its sterling pedigree, the program encountered problems from the jump – including an overwhelming majority of the viewing public expressing outrage that the show was even on the air. However, nothing seemed insurmountable until halfway through the first season when Houseguys began exhibiting the flailing death throes of a kickboxer that doesn’t yet know he’s been knocked unconscious.
DOWN FOR THE COUNT, DEAD ON THE MAT
“The plot lines got really confusing. I couldn’t tell which characters were participating in the show, which ones got roped in just to justify the show’s existence, and which ones were secretly there to annihilate the entire medium of television,” complains freelance meter maid Gus Justgus. “At the end of the day, all I really care about is who’s peeing on who.”
The lack of a consistent vision or focused tone was never more apparent than during the final round of in-show confessionals, wherein the principal cast took turns contradicting one other in an apparent game of Dumbshit Rashomon. Tortured anti-hero James “Comey Comey Comey Comey Comey Chameleon” Comey, like a moistened and gritty lollipop sticking to the flip-flop of whoever stepped on him last, spent his allotted time alternately bemoaning his inability to shine within the established framework of the show and cock-teasing the audience about potential plot twists for future episodes that everyone knew would never come.
YOU COME AND GO, YOU COME AND GO
Teen heartthrob Jeff “Twang Beer Salt” Sessions, on the other hand, used his opportunity in the booth not to defend backstabbing his frenemies on-air but rather to suggest that maybe nothing ever happens on the show, that the human experience is filtered through the clogged sump pump of our perceptions, and that experiential reality is therefore necessarily subjective. Asked by producers to elaborate, Sessions sucked his gerbil teeth and screeched, “HOW COULD MY MEMORIES BE THE SAME AS YOURS?!?” before skittering into his CritterTrail tube maze to hide.
“I REMEMBER NOTHING”
In the final blow to the show’s remaining fans, resident Houseguys card sharp Donald Trump skirted accountability by distancing himself from his costars and Cheshire Catting into the ether without delivering a satisfying resolution to his character arc one way or the other. The premature cancellation has left many critics wondering weather the ostensible star will ever have to answer directly for his betrayal of audience expectations.
The White Houseguys of D.C. swung for the fences in its opening months, drumming up viewers via direct social media marketing campaigns and attracting curiosity-seekers through its inherent controversy and sheer implausibility. However, as sweeps week approached, Houseguys resorted to the same hokey gimmicks and ad hominem attacks that ultimately doomed the short-lived XFL.
TRUMP CURRIES FAVOR DURING HIS “FLATULATE OF THE UNION” ADDRESS
Shortly before cancellation, early adopters of the program admitted to feeling fleeced and like they frankly should have known better.
“It makes me a little sick to have been a part of the hysteria,” reported Greg Upchurch of the American hard rock group 3 Doors Down. “Now the MAGA hat I used to think was so cool is gathering dust in the carport utility closet next to my speed-reading cassettes and my Slap Chop. At least I’ve got my fidget spinners to fall back on.”
I WANT SOMETHING ELSE TO GET ME THROUGH THIS SEMI-CHARMED KIND OF LIFE
Houseguys is the second reality flop for C-SPAN, which only recently recovered from the PR nightmare that was 1998’s Book TV vs. Road Rules Challenge, in which Christopher Hitchens was inadvertently dry-drowned by MTV VJ Jesse Camp during a grueling, two-and-a-half-hour wet t-shirt contest.
The plucky network refuses to give up, though. Despite the cancellation of its tent-pole show, C-SPAN still intends to move forward with a spin-off series. Starring fan-favorite, breakout character Mike Pence, the new broadcast will follow an enigmatic loner as he governs a failing nation-state all while attempting to reunite with his long-lost, creepy twin brother. The new program is tentatively titled The Handmaid’s Tale.