When Americans hit the polls last November and elected Green Party candidate Jill Stein by an historically narrow margin, no one could have predicted that, little more than three months after her inauguration, this dark horse would be roaming the blackened streets of Washington, D.C., dual-wielding torture-grade cattle prods and wearing the dripping skin of Libertarian opponent Gary Johnson as a cloak. Flanked by an armada of weaponized spiny anteaters, Stein’s warpath stops just long enough for her to check the new rainwater collection silo outside the Library of Congress before she ventures inside to electrocute cowering Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn to death.
THIS IS JILL STEIN’S AMERICA
How did the United States get here? Join Gnawing the Chaff as we review President Stein’s first hundred days in office:
Inauguration goes smoothly for the unlikely candidate, whom Americans – or, as we are now known, the Conquerors of the Flesh – chose as leader despite her endorsement by the fringe organization Ancient Order of Druids in America and her public confession that she doesn’t know what Louisiana is. Her speech is brief but hopeful, welcoming everyone, regardless of past allegiances, to share in the love that unites the human race. The cake is vegan and the frosting predictably green.
FOUR MORE TIERS!
On her fist official day, rookie President Jill Stein meets with predecessor Barack Obama to review policy goals of the departing administration and begin enacting those of her own. Sheepishly shaking hands with Mr. Obama, Stein – still wet behind the ears – announces her intentions to start making good on campaign promises immediately.
To the satisfaction of her constituents, she begins that Monday, working tirelessly to make our nation’s capitol 100% sustainable, installing solar panels on all government buildings, harvesting rainwater to reduce greywater waste, and replacing inefficient commodes with composting toilets to benefit the D.C. community gardens program. As a token gesture, she commutes the sentences of several incarcerated activists held on domestic terrorism charges since the 1999 World Trade Organization protests. President Stein fulfills commitments to the Green Party by signing an executive order imposing a carbon tax on domestic manufacturers.
HOW A DILL BECOMES A SLAW
Shortly after the carbon tax goes into effect, Stein gains an improbable adversary in the Sloan Valve and Urinal Screen Corporation. Apparently, the vulcanization process used by Sloan to manufacture urinal screens voids a massive amount of poisonous carbon monoxide into the atmosphere. Sloan states that they would “happily pay the new tax if given exclusive vending rights to the capitol”. However, the composting toilets now used in Washington, D.C. restrooms make scented urinal screens unnecessary, leaving the bathroom giant with no recourse but to flex its considerable political muscle.
YOU DON’T PISS ON HOSPITALITY
Congress, long in the pocket of Big Urinal Screen, urges President Stein to either drop her carbon tax or reinstate the use of urinals in D.C. public bathrooms. Stein, loyal to the Green Party and her environmentalist constituents, refuses to budge on either issue. Congress retaliates by blocking her appointment of Zach de la Rocha, formerly of Rage Against the Machine, to the Supreme Court.
SLEEP NOW IN THE FILIBUSTER
With Washington at a standstill and her popularity in the midwest plummeting by her second month in office, President Stein’s frustration becomes palpable. Conservative opponents begin a grassroots campaign to restore their party by orchestrating Republican wins in many local elections across the nation.
Approval at an all-time low, President Stein seems prepared to concede some leftist doctrines when Washington is rocked by a series of firebombs, igniting the White House, Capitol Building, and the Washington Monument reflecting pool. Convicted ecoterrorists Neve “Most-Of-A-Deer” Childress and Artie Nematode, recently freed by President Stein, claim responsibility.
MEAT IS MURDER
President Stein condemns the acts of a “few extremists, whose beliefs do not represent the ideals of the environmental movement as a whole”. Responding to this apparently misrepresentative slander, the World Wildlife Fund counters by simultaneously freeing every animal from every zoo in America, inciting a classic “all animals versus all humans” scenario.
WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE
A surprise to all involved, the still-burning husk of the White House ignites an immense reservoir of natural gas, which has been collecting unused and unvented beneath the National Mall since the capitol’s radical conversion to solar power. The city becomes an unmitigated sea of flames, and President Stein declares martial law, temporarily suspending the constitution.
Washington lawmakers from all parties call for President Stein’s immediate impeachment following the incidents of the “Green Inferno”. Stein enacts emergency powers, forming a tribunal for the prosecution of detractors. All political opponents are convicted of treason, and, during what has come to be known as the “Night of the Long Vines”, they are ambiguously “fed to the forest”.
SEE THE SMOKE STACKS RISING UP LIKE FUCK YOU TOWERS?
An impromptu Burning Man is held by supporters of President Stein. Throughout the course of the weeklong celebration of self-expression, decommodification, and the hunting and killing of libertarians, Stein’s many pagan advocates perform a Protection Ritual for the embattled POTUS, shielding her from the dark vibes of her would-be enemies. At the culmination of the festival, Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yolen is immolated inside an enormous wicker man.
YOU’LL SIMPLY NEVER UNDERSTAND THE TRUE NATURE OF SACRIFICE
MARCH 18 – APRIL 2
As attacks on citizens by exotic zoo animals become increasingly common during Stein’s third month, separatist militias form to combat the rising tide of nature-on-technology violence. President Stein, from the safety of a combo political rally/pot luck dinner, declares herself to be the “Avenging Angel of Fern Gully”, revealing the true extent of her atavistic powers. Bolstered by the enchantments of the greater Wiccan community, as well as the life force of the immolated Jane Yolen, President Stein commands America’s fire ants to burrow into the skin of any person openly carrying a firearm. A fantail pigeon runs unopposed for deputy mayor of Glen Ridge, Florida.
SPRING BREAK, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Mobile death panels travel peripatetically across the nation condemning citizens apprehended for watering their grass outside of their communities’ established lawn maintenance schedules. The electric chairs used for their executions are powered using renewable energy from Midwestern wind farms.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals – or “PETA” – topple the cosmetics industry from the backs of modified War Elephants as President Stein uses fairy magic to transform all automotive plants into one giant, cooperative soup kitchen. Emboldened by the president’s tacit-acceptance of their extreme views, Unitarian Universalists come out of the woodwork to strangle those perceived to “know stuff about economics” with hemp garrotes. Our nation’s streets run red with the blood of the corporate elite. For the first time since the Industrial Revolution, the ozone layer thickens.
EASY. BREEZY. BEAUTIFUL.
Surviving Americans begin to wonder if they have mistakenly placed their trust and, by extension, their lives in the hands of a narcissistic, power-bloated dictator.