Taking an unprecedentedly bold stance on climate change, Donald Trump clothed himself in the presidential wetsuit this morning and christened the United States’s only fully operational, saltwater execution chamber. Submerged in the cramped tank, President Trump stroked the muzzle of the first of what could become thousands of minke whales on the chopping block before giving the “thumbs up” and plunging an unforgiving bar of rotating blade teeth into the neck area of the giant, marine mammal.
As the light faded from the cetacean’s baseball-sized eyes, Trump raised his army-issue, aquatic chainsaw above his head and revved it triumphantly, spraying members of the press with blood-drenched baleen and blubber. “Now who wants to talk about the Paris Agreement?!?” the president goaded the already ecstatic crowd.
DON’T BE A HERO, EARTH
Trump has long been critical of the Paris Agreement, calling it a “half-assed, make-work convolution of meaningless treaties and unenforceable tariffs” designed to “mollify rudimentarily educated activists by indirectly addressing a complex issue.”
Rather than gradually reducing greenhouse gas emissions worldwide to painstakingly forestall the inevitable water riots, Trump went right to the source, aiming his ultimatum at the Earth as an entity. “GLOBE, I SPEAK TO THEE!” his voice boomed through colossal amplifiers pointed into all the major, terrestrial caves, “I DEMAND THAT YOU CEASE WARMING AT ONCE! I WILL CONTINUE TO BEHEAD ONE OF YOUR MINKE WHALES EVERY HOUR UNTIL YOU COMPLY! THAT IS ALL!”
1.5 MILLION PEOPLE ATTENDED THE EVENT
Responding to worries that his strategy might seem ruthless and unnecessary to the uninformed public, Trump sighed with exasperation, “We’re talking about a problem that could lead to the homogenization and de-stratification of global water densities here,” he began as he activated the raft of fan blades on the floor of the execution chamber in order to puree the decapitated leviathan.
“Obviously, that would cause the total shutdown of oceanic, thermohaline circulation. How much clearer does the science have to be? We don’t have time to fuck around with trade agreements.” Dipping his finger into the slurry, he added, “We’re going to make a killing in the chum market.”
THE RED NUMBERS ARE CLEARLY BIGGER THAN THE BLUE NUMBERS
Trump elaborated on his maniacal threat as he directed a dump truck to offload the next minke whale into his kill tank. “I’m an all-or-nothing kind of president. If this Spinning, Blue Bastard insists on trying to burn the human race off of its majestic plains, glorious mountain ranges, and lucrative beaches, I’m not pulling any punches when it comes to a couple hundred bullshit whales.”
Considering his arsenal and ultimately selecting an elegant ball peen hammer to murder the next whale, the president checked his stopwatch and consulted a thermometer before again addressing the world through his subterranean PA. “TIME’S UP, EARTH! TRUMP WINS NO MATTER WHAT! I’M NOT AFRAID TO TAKE A PLANET DOWN WITH ME!”