I do not usually do things like this, but my family just moved, and I do not have any friends in my new city. My dad always says that boys like me deserve to be happy, and I am a boy like me, and maybe you are, too, so I am just going to ask: Are there any boys in the greater D.C. area that look just like me, and maybe they want to be creepy twins with me?

Pence Kiss

MY DAD IS MY BEST FRIEND.  HE KISSES ME A LOT.

I am a white boy (Yay!) about five feet tall, and my head kind of looks like a dried locust husk, and my neck is the fat tree. My lip bones are always pointed down because my dad says my face is saving its smile for when I meet Mr. God up in the Heaven. I like to dress really nice because, when your body is dressed nice, nobody knows when your brain is having a bad thought. If this sounds like the way your outside looks, too, maybe you should come to where I am, and we can be twins now! My feet are good but not great.

Bad Thoughts

THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD IS SCARY SOMETIMES.

When you and me are together, we are going to do all the best twin stuff! We will scare Mom by standing very still for one hour and one half of the other hour, and then, when she turns around for only a second, we will be suddenly gone! Then we can lick each other’s elbows because I cannot lick my own elbows, and that reminds me of the sad time. Also, we will put just a little bit of dog poison in all of Grandma’s food so that she becomes very weak, and she thinks about what it will be like to be dead. My dad says that, when you are dead, you can tickle anything you want, and everyone pretends not to see, even if you tickle a bad thing. When that is over, we can take all of Sister’s toys and melt them with acid in the sandbox because girls pee out of their butts, and that is weird.

Tickle

YOU CAN TICKLE ANYTHING WHEN YOU ARE DEAD.

I live in a very big house near my dad’s house, so, when you come to here, look for my dad’s house, and then go to the very big house that is my house. I will be there waiting to hug and pinch you! I cannot wait to meet you, Other Me. Together we will teach everyone our secret, new language, and then the whole world will be creepy twins!

Twin Pences

FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!