Facing the lowest approval rating of any sitting president since Dwight “Silent Cal” Eisenhower machine-gunned a leper that “was looking at [him] leper-y”, leader of the free world and defiantly un-flushed urinal cake Donald Trump unveiled his strategy for national unification in an address to congress this week. Like a pubescent seventh-grader just trying to make it through one school day without anyone noticing he forgot his deodorant, the fledgling Trump administration has been slinking through the White House hallways, blaming its own stench on passing nerds, but, so far, none of the cool kids have been buying it. However, in an intellectual tour de force Tuesday night, the embattled commander in chief laid out a time-honored strategy for gaining back the people’s trust.

“It’s simple, really, at least for a cool, smart guy like me,” began the lionhearted cantaloupe. “Take a look at history. Trust me, we’ll be headed back toward greatness before you know it. You see, the last time this great nation was kidnapped by an over-confident, gray-hearted, giggling, idiot god transparently being manipulated by fleshless, corporate centurions, themselves sycophants to the Wheel of Corruption described in the Black Tarot, we just did a quick 9/11. Problem solved.”



Fondly recalling the vague dissatisfaction of a nation incontrovertibly robbed of its rightful leader but not yet inured to the meaningless bloodshed of an abstract war that may or may not still be happening, Donald Trump, the heroic equivalent of chewing bubblegum in a Valero bathroom, forgave the shortcomings of his stylistic predecessor.

“George Bush – the new one – he was a great man, and he did a lot of great things in his time on earth, but, let’s be honest, he was a pussy, and his administration is rightly remembered as a pussy administration.” Trump, masterful entertainer that he is, took the opportunity to punctuate this classic witticism with his signature “pussy grabbing” lobster snap. “A single 9/11? Come on!”


“It wasn’t even that good a 9/11.”

“If there’s anything we can learn from Bush, it’s that a 9/11 is a great idea. It gets the people on your side. Why not have them all the time?” Trump, in his plea for solidarity, vowed never to repeat past inadequacies. “I’m not the kind of president who half-asses things. It is my solemn promise that everyone – whites, orientals, and blacks both queer and regular – each of you will get your own, personal 9/11, and that’s a promise I can keep.”



Responding to media criticism that doing a 9/11 ultimately was not enough to prevent George W. Bush’s approval rating from plummeting throughout the subsequent seven years of his presidency, and that many Americans still hold our 43rd president in smoldering contempt to this day, Trump spoke specifically to members of the press, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. For your insight, you will be the first to get 9/11ed.”


“A job this big should be done from the inside.”