President of the United States and erotic urine mogul Donald Trump betrayed a rare moment of empathy this week when he reached out across party lines to frightened liberals, inviting them to spend a weekend on Tornado Island, free of charge*. Tensions have run high in this unprecedentedly fraught inaugural month as Donald Trump, commander in chief and “the guy who knows where all the sewers go”, signed into effect a number of executive orders that many during his campaign had hoped were just the fever dreams of an elderly toddler. However, in an effort to salve divisive wounds, the real estate tycoon and potty champion has opened one of his vacation properties to fearful progressives, encouraging them to unwind and meditate on bipartisan cooperation amidst the unrelenting assault of Tornado Island’s relaxing, 240 mph breeze.
Its unique, coastal geology makes Tornado Island an ideal destination for extreme, physical dismemberment.
Originally acquired by the Trump family in the 1930s amidst rumors of buried monster bones, this blustery atoll has long been thought to bring tranquility, an onslaught of cyclopean, F5 devastation, and professional prosperity to those who make the pilgrimage to its distant shores. In addition to the unimaginably powerful, never-ending cyclones, Tornado Island is known for its lush, jungle interior, its rich, biologically diverse ecosystem, and its horrifying, aeolian destruction that knows no hope of ever abating.
Tornado Island’s unusual wildlife is sure to awaken the amateur naturalist in every visitor.
“Let us cast aside our differences and pee together as equals on Tornado Island!” proclaimed President Trump in a rare moment of nonpartisan compassion. “Our pee will whip around our bodies in the incomprehensible winds, joining as one Pee in the rotating wall cloud above our heads!”
This olive branch came at a critical moment in Trump’s transition when many constituents were beginning to feel overwhelmed and disenfranchised by the spate of sudden changes in Washington. According to government insiders, though, Trump has had a strategy in place for centuries to mollify the inevitable naysayers. The first week in any new presidency is traditionally used to ease a less-experienced politician into power and strike a compromise within a polarized nation, and, at least in this regard, the maverick businessman and golden shower enthusiast is playing by the books.
Basking in the convivial whirlwinds, visitors agreed that Tornado Island is a veritable [paradise]† of chaos and bloodshed.
“When the election happened, I was, of course, afraid for my civil liberties,” cited a former social action chairperson clinging horizontally from her balcony on Tornado Island’s premier hotel and casino, “but here I [feel like I am floating on air]†!”
A resident alien of the United States spoke anonymously, his face a rictus of apparent glee, “At first, I didn’t know what my legal status was, or if I would have to do anything to not get separated from my family in America.” At this, he paused, shielding himself from the maelstrom of shrapnel shredding his lips from his skull. “Now, I’m on Tornado Island.”
*Visitors to Tornado Island will be expected to cover travel costs to and from Tornado Island, as well as any lodging and/or dining debt incurred on Tornado Island.
†paraphrased from original quote