In a shocking ideological reversal, the once-proud cultural icon sacrificed his personal integrity this week to hang in the toolshed of a former adversary. Bat Boy, who was discovered living in Hellhole Cave – a federally protected area of Pendleton County, WV – by Dr. Ron Dillon in 19921, made a name for himself as a political maverick over the last four years by burning diplomatic bridges, presumably to reduce the available roosting space of rival bat-men and -women.

However, in an interview with the Associated Press on Saturday, Bat Boy, who learned to speak in 19982, told reporters that he was “energized” by his one-time opponent’s policies, and that he was “excited” by the prospect of dining on lightning bugs, moths, and other crepuscular insects come nightfall.

Republican Candidates Speak At Sunshine Summit In Orlando
“My specialized auditory organs allow me to locate mosquitos with echolocation.”

Bat Boy is no stranger to politics. Before his celebrated escape in the early 1990s3, he spent much of his childhood confined to a secure, government facility. It is little wonder, then, that Bat Boy sought and received political appointment after meeting with then-President George W. Bush at Camp David in 20014. He spent much of the following decade in and out of the public eye, sighted in such disparate locales as Afghanistan5, South America6, on top of a New York City subway car7, and backing insidious and damaging legislation in the state of Texas8.

Bat Boy has a reputation for making inflammatory remarks and alienating prominent members of his own party, championing fringe conservative causes and threatening to “drain the blood” of Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell. With his newfound confidence in the status quo, however, speculation has arisen that Bat Boy may have his morphologically oversized ears tuned to a higher calling within the new administration. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that Bat Boy may one day even fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat vacated by the suspicious beheading of Antonin Scalia, whose exhumed corpse was found to be stuffed with garlic.

bat-boy-2“I have arterial valves that prevent blood from rushing to my head as I hang upside down.”

At the moment, though, anything is possible for Bat Boy, who is not actually half-man, half-bat, but who, in fact, belongs to a race of imps that have had glancing interactions with humans for the last 400 years9. Bat Boy is optimistic for the future. His personal and political standing can only improve after his doomed presidential campaign last year, during which he somehow lost his party’s nomination to a decaying Jack-O-Lantern on the front porch that inexplicably still hasn’t been eaten by seagulls.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

  1. “Bat Boy Found in West Virginia Cave!” by Bill Creighton, Weekly World News, June 23, 1992, pp 46–47. Reprinted July 16, 1999, pp. 46–47. Reprinted June 20, 2005 pp. 58–59.
  2. “Bat Boy Is Learning How to Talk!” by Mike Foster, March 24, 1998, p. 13.
  3. “Bat Boy Escapes!” by Dack Kennedy, October 6, 1992, p. 5.
  4. “Bat Boy Meets with Bush at Camp David” by Tomaso Focata, November 27, 2001, p. 9.
  5. “Bat Boy Storms Afghanistan with U.S. Marines” by Alicia Bousch, December 15, 2001, pp. 18–19.
  6. “Bat Boy Sightings!” Anonymous, November 19, 2002, p. 6-7.
  7. “Police Arrest ‘Bat Boy’: Elusive Creature Sighted in Upstate New York,” by Dick Siegel, June 11, 2007, p. 4.
  8. Reinert, Patty (June 28, 2006). Most of Texas’ redistricting map upheld. Houston Chronicle. Retrieved August 15, 2013.
  9. “Are Boy-Bat and Bat Boy Fraternal Twins Separated at Birth?” by Sammy Robin, January 2, 2006, p. 4.